Artists need rest.
You can’t expect them to be pumping out creative shit all the time.
Inspiration is hard to come by,
and it’s the most genuine when it comes find you after many nights of just staring at the ceiling, blinking into the void, and sleeping away your thoughts and feelings.
So don’t worry.
There’s no need to feel guilty for pausing and taking a break.
Artists have lives too.
We are human too.
I've lived in the States for as long as I can remember and even though I looked foreign, I never once felt like an outsider or like I don't belong. Living in Korea has been so amazing in many aspects; I was finally surrounded by people that looked like me. But it also opened me up to a whole new realm I was never aware of while being a foreigner. Visiting vs. living as a foreigner is completely different.
Never in my life have I ever felt so belittled just because of my lack of "common" knowledge and understanding of things. Never in my life have I felt so victimized by a larger establishment, only to realize those you reach out for help only keep saying "there's nothing you can do." I never knew what it felt like to be an outsider, to not be able to voice my complaints or opinions or rage, to not be able to fully communicate what's wrong and why I think something is unfair or unjust or mistaken.
This is what my parents have felt like the past 24 years in the states. I was always in the position to be their voice when they couldn't speak for themselves, and I never thought much of it besides that they just want to complain. But now I know that I was their only outlet, the only person who could help proclaim how wronged they felt by a system much greater than them.
I'm so upset and at a loss.
In the end, I may have gained som great experiences whilst in this country, but I also gained some shitty ones tbh. And it sucked because I always had to rely on someone else to help me through it--what I could help myself with was severely limited. Honestly, I never want to be in this position ever again.
I was always used to being the one to know what was going on, how to handle things, etc. But being the dumb foreigner who can't do anything by herself sucks so much. And those of you who think I still have it better off than foreigners of non-Korean descent.. you're right. I do have it better off than those guys but that doesn't make it any easier for me when I'm alone. We still struggle with the same things and still undergo the same shitty situations.
Adulting is hard. Period.
But adulting for the first time in another country?
Holy shit, that's on another level.
NOTE TO SELF:
Do not be intimidated. There will always be people who might be better at things than you, more experienced in certain areas than you, or just flat out have more talent.
Don’t let these things sway you from your path. You aren’t always going to be #1, but you aren’t always going to be at the bottom either.
Know how to strengthen the skills you possess, and develop them in ways to best cater your style; create a platform of your own to display these skills, and be honest with yourself. Don’t write things, create things, or exhibit things that aren't you.
Be loyal to your beliefs and morals; don’t mold yourself into someone you aren’t because this company wants you to be something else. If you find yourself having to go against your beliefs–not simply adjust, but challenge–then you need to find a new home. Keep your integrity. Be ready to throw away your pride, especially if you’re a newcomer, but never your integrity. Guard that with your life.
Maybe my insecure self 4 years ago knew me better than I know myself today.
Maybe I'm just still struggling with the same problems I had then.
What I am certain about though, is that I keep coming back to this piece again and again and again.. every time I feel worthless or insecure about where I am in life. Every time I feel unsuccessful or like a failure. Every time I need some advice on how to move forward after one sequence of my life is over. Every time I need a pick me up and a confidence booster.
Every. Time.
This is timeless because I know that no matter where I am in life, however far along I've gotten, I'll always have those dark moments where I doubt myself and I'm not certain about the future (which honestly scares the living shit out of me), but this reminder will help me through.
It's done so for the past 4 years and will continue to do so for as long as my tumblr lives.
I'm soon closing another chapter in my life. Everyone else's life chapters seem to be so much longer, but my life changes by the year. It's frustrating yet a blessing at the same time.
I have no idea where I'll be next year at this time. I just hope I start another sequence soon so I don't have to end my life montage.