Realization.

I've lived in the States for as long as I can remember and even though I looked foreign, I never once felt like an outsider or like I don't belong. Living in Korea has been so amazing in many aspects; I was finally surrounded by people that looked like me. But it also opened me up to a whole new realm I was never aware of while being a foreigner. Visiting vs. living as a foreigner is completely different.

Never in my life have I ever felt so belittled just because of my lack of "common" knowledge and understanding of things. Never in my life have I felt so victimized by a larger establishment, only to realize those you reach out for help only keep saying "there's nothing you can do." I never knew what it felt like to be an outsider, to not be able to voice my complaints or opinions or rage, to not be able to fully communicate what's wrong and why I think something is unfair or unjust or mistaken.

This is what my parents have felt like the past 24 years in the states. I was always in the position to be their voice when they couldn't speak for themselves, and I never thought much of it besides that they just want to complain. But now I know that I was their only outlet, the only person who could help proclaim how wronged they felt by a system much greater than them.

I'm so upset and at a loss.

In the end, I may have gained som great experiences whilst in this country, but I also gained some shitty ones tbh. And it sucked because I always had to rely on someone else to help me through it--what I could help myself with was severely limited. Honestly, I never want to be in this position ever again.

I was always used to being the one to know what was going on, how to handle things, etc. But being the dumb foreigner who can't do anything by herself sucks so much. And those of you who think I still have it better off than foreigners of non-Korean descent.. you're right. I do have it better off than those guys but that doesn't make it any easier for me when I'm alone. We still struggle with the same things and still undergo the same shitty situations.

Adulting is hard. Period.

But adulting for the first time in another country?

Holy shit, that's on another level.